“Yoyuu” is a Japanese term near and dear to my heart. Composed of the kanji for “extra” and “abundance”, it can’t actually be directly translated. “Permission,” “room to maneuver,” and “breathing room” are acceptable definitions. Having “Yoyuu” means that you have the presence of mind to give your children the care and attention they deserve and require.

An example from our own home may illustrate: One of the first challenges we face in the morning is getting our children to school on time. Just this morning, the older brother wanted to play on the computer and his sister hadn’t gotten out of bed yet as the clock ticked down.

Mom and dad have jobs too. Our battle at the “genkan” (the entrance to a Japanese house) is NOT exactly when we have “yoyuu”, and unfortunately not when we are doing our best as parents! Children seem to have a sixth sense for knowing when adults are feeling pressured for time, and they seem to become less cooperative the more we need them.

For our parties, tensions are high, tempers short. “Hurry up!” “Get dressed!” “You’re going to be late!” Delivered in rising tones of hysteria, these loving phrases seldom prompt our children to happily finish their breakfast, wash their hands, put on their jackets, and head out the door.

Compare the “no yoyuu” morning rush to that moment at the end of the day, when you’re tucking your kids into bed. Yes, getting the kids to bed can be challenging, but for the sake of discussion, let’s imagine your angels are under the covers, their heads on the pillow.

In Japanese homes, the entire family often sleeps together on futons spread out on tatami mats. This is one of my favorite parts of the day: no schedules, no clocks, no school buses to miss, and no phone calls to answer.
“How was your day, dad?” of the 5 year old. I share some stories. “How about yours, sound?” I try not to pass up opportunities like this. “Fine,” he says. “Kenji fell and had to get a Band-Aid. We played cards. The snacks were good.” Before long, he and his sister are falling asleep. “I love you, dad. See you in the morning…”

In the evenings, when the hours are over and we finish the day, we naturally have a lot of “yoyuu” or emotional resources, space to breathe, to have meaningful and loving communications with our children.

The trick, then, is to get more “yoyuu” even in the middle of the day, even when we feel rushed or pressured. In fact, the way we communicate with our children alone can give both parents and children a feeling of “yoyuu” that can lead to deeper and more effective communication between both parties.