Often times, many people, particularly codependents, have difficulty receiving. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even sacrificing than receiving. However, they wonder why they are in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They may fantasize about receiving, but they continue to give and do not suspect that their situation is not only due to the selfishness of their partners, but also to their own difficulty in receiving.
It is a symptom of deeper problems that may be hidden in our unconscious. Until resolved, they remain obstacles to receiving real love.
How do you feel when you receive a compliment or a gift? Have you ever asked for a favor or help, or would you rather do it yourself? These are just small examples compared to being in a relationship where you receive love, help, and cooperation on a daily basis. These are some of the obstacles and beliefs that prevent us from receiving:
Shame
One of the main reasons we have trouble receiving is that we don’t feel worthy. We feel too imperfect, unworthy, or unlovable. We may not trust people’s intentions or find it hard to believe that they care enough for us to give or do something for us unless there is a fair exchange. We thought, “Why would someone do that for me or say those nice things?”
Shame also makes us reluctant to reveal aspects of ourselves that we reject (don’t know) or belittle. Particularly when we need help, we may feel ashamed of our limitations or feel “weak” and unpleasant. If needs, wants, or dependency were shamed in childhood, then we learned to be self-reliant and not ask or want anything from another person, a much better solution than experiencing shame when we are vulnerable. As adults, we expect or attract other people to react like our parents did. If the early shame was chronic or severe, we might repress our needs and wants so much that they are buried in our unconscious. It may never occur to us to ask for help.
Control and security
When we receive we are in a more vulnerable position. Imagine someone listening to us talk for a long time, helping us physically, unilaterally pleasing us sexually, or even taking us somewhere. Receiving requires that we trust to allow someone to have power over it. An abusive partner is not safe. If we have been abused or controlled in the past, being in such a vulnerable position could make us feel insecure even with someone who is not. We do not want to be judged or controlled. We would rather be in control than have someone control us. This is based on past dysfunctional experiences of being in relationships based on control, rather than respect and cooperation.
A corollary of this is the fear that we may owe the other person. We fear being a burden or a debt to someone who now has our promissory note. To avoid this, we may want to match the score and immediately give back in some way or pay for what we get. We do not believe that we have the right to say “no” to any request that may be made to us in the future.
Have you ever felt guilty about receiving or feel like you should return the favor? This is a false and irrational guilt. Would you rather suffer than call your doctor after hours? Giving for free is a novel concept when we grow up with parents who give with ties or parents who complain or envy what they give and do for us.
Fear of intimacy
Being vulnerable allows other people to see us and connect with us. Receiving opens parts of ourselves that yearn to be loved, seen, and understood. It softens us when we are really receiving. My heart melted when I received tremendous support on social media after a serious car accident I had. I felt gratitude and appreciation for all the people who offered their kindness and affection. In an intimate relationship, this fosters love.
When we are a “one-man show” and do everything ourselves, we feel self-reliant and in control, but the price is loneliness and isolation. We do not realize that it is human to need it and that it is to give and receive rewards to both participants. It is a natural flow of energy that allows love, closeness and intimacy.
Training and culture
Perhaps, we were trained to be self-sufficient or we learned that having our needs meant that we were weak or needy. In some religions and cultures, it is considered selfish or impolite to ask and receive. In Persian culture, it is considered appropriate to refuse compliments, to initially refuse a gift, and rude to ask for one.
Our natural need and requests for comfort, love, and support may have been ignored, rejected, or belittled. These shame-based false beliefs can cause us to withdraw or behave in needy ways, rather than directly asking for what we need and want.
How to feel worthy of receiving
Feeling worthy of receiving affects your entire personality and psyche. You can change your beliefs. It is the result of a journey of recovery. Here are the steps you can take:
© DarleneLancer 2021