It is as natural as breathing to expect to be loved by those we love. As sad as it is to say, those we love don’t always love us back. Consequently, people everywhere are struggling to find love and acceptance in ways that would boggle the minds of even the most liberal thinkers.

Love is not feeling or emotions as we usually think. God is Love, and He created us in such a way that only He (love) can satisfy the longing of our hearts. This means that we can only be truly happy when we know the security of his love. Thus we all begin the journey of life in search of finding happiness ignorantly thinking that pleasure and comfort is the vehicle to reach our destination.

Our the means justify our end as we manipulate friends and loved ones alike into doing what we want and giving us what we think we need. Have you ever told someone you love; “If you really love me, would you (or would you not)_______?” No doubt men who want to get their way with a woman have often used this one over the centuries;“If you love me try it.”

Believe it or not, anger is a tool that is often used to get what we want. None of us would have to think long to remember the last time we got angry when we didn’t get our way. In fact, truth be told, some of us even throw tantrums like when we were two (2) years old. Oh, and what about the time-tested classic; “the old silent treatment.” Children have undoubtedly witnessed their parents use this great manipulator on each other for generations past. Of course, there are many other ways, but you get the point.

You see friend, the truth is that most of us are selfish and either don’t realize it, or are in denial. Being selfish simply means seeing, understanding, and treating life from our limited perspective and resources with our own interest above all others. We unknowingly enter relationships expecting love and acceptance from self-centered people who are just like us. Needless to say, this is always a recipe for frustration, heartache, and a lot of pain.

Have you ever wondered why people have extramarital affairs? Is it because they don’t have enough sex at home? Is your spouse no longer beautiful or handsome? Your partner suddenly turned into a monster? There are many reasons that people give for cheating, but the number one answer is; “I just don’t love _____ anymore.”

Is the lack of love and devotion for a spouse really due to the external things that are often blamed for a failed relationship? namely, he/she did this or that? Or because they are too _________, or not ___________, etc.

Although all the external things that others do may be true, however, the real problem is that our approach is wrong. Our hands are outstretched in expectation toward people instead of toward God. So once a relationship starts, it doesn’t take long for unrealistic expectations (namely unconditional love and acceptance) that they impose on us and we impose on others (without God) to reveal our inability to meet them. Sooner or later we become disappointed and frustrated with our partner, and then I want out of the relationship.

What do we learn from it? As long as we are self-centered, absolutely nothing! The reason is that while we are in this condition our hearts are hard against God, and that is why we resist him. So as long as our hearts are insensitive towards God, there is nothing and no one in life that will satisfy us. Absolutely nothing!

A woman can have the best husband in the world and have an affair with the vilest of men. Or a man can have a beautiful and virtuous wife and run away with a prostitute. These may be extreme examples, but I think the point is clear. So let’s stop sweeping away the cobwebs of excuses for why we sin or don’t get along, and let’s get rid of the spider (the cause). Again because of the hardness of our hearts towards God! The heart of man separated from God is desperately wicked.

Many enter into relationships with the same criteria as someone who buys a car without checking if it has an engine. The only thing this person is interested in is how good it looks on the outside and how good it will make them look when they sit on it. However, upon taking possession of the vehicle, they notice imperfections in the car that they had not seen before and decide to trade it in.

It is also the same with some of us; when a loved one disappoints usand often they do), we focus on your problems that were undoubtedly there all along. However, we never consider the fact that we were drawn to them by something in us. I heard a brother say; “only deceivers are disappointedthat is, that a person is deceived because something within the deceived person gave rise to the deception. The Apostle James said it this way: “But each one is tempted, when he is drawn away by his own lusts and seduced” (James 1:14).

I am not saying that we should stay in a bad situation because we have made bad decisions, or accept blame for the actions of others. I am saying that we must look to Jesus, who has been made wisdom for us by God. He knows us as well as our spouses, and most of all he loves us! So we must allow Him to guide us in what we must do.

Notice that a person first fights with God before they fight with each other. God is Love, so how can a person love God and hate his spouse? Jesus said in Matthew 5:44; “But I say to you: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” This means that there is never an excuse for a Christian not to love others. However, as long as we think of love as a feeling or an emotion, we can never love and forgive those who hurt us. again I say God is love, and only through Him can we love others.

When we don’t acknowledge our inability to meet each other’s need for love, it’s only a matter of time until the foundation of our relationship proves to be shaky. Sooner rather than later, our differences and failings take center stage, and the externalities on which many of us build our relationships namely, beauty, youth, fame, money, convenience, etc. it is not enough to sustain our relationships. many consequently attribute their disappointments to irreconcilable differences and proceed to focus on someone else. So the cycle repeats itself again.

Only when we realize our powerlessness to love others, and their inability to love us in return, do we seek God. So in Him we find his unconditional love more than enough. There we rest and find satisfaction and acceptance apart from anything we have done or can do. It is also there that we discover the freedom to love others unconditionally.

What happens when there is physical and mental abuse in a relationship, what do I do? Dear friends, God truly loves us, and he did not call us into slavery, but into freedom through his Son. So again I say; Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge him in all your ways, And He will make your paths straight(Proverbs 3:5-6).

Even when we love others unconditionally, it doesn’t always mean they will accept us, receive God’s love from us, or change their ways, but His love certainly frees us from the tyranny of living for people. Therefore, let us ask the Lord to reveal our insufficiency apart from Him, so that we can trust Him throughout life.

Amen!
Dr. Stringer Theory