I often hear of wives whose husbands are going to leave them. Sometimes, however, there is a different variation on this same theme. I recently heard from a wife whose husband wanted her to be the one to leave the house. They had been having marital problems for some time and the husband felt that the wife should be the one to go, as she had family and friends with whom she could easily stay.

The husband did not want to leave the house which he felt he had paid for for several years and (in his opinion) had a right to stay. So, he felt it was only fair that the wife be the one to go. Needless to say, this is not what the wife wanted to hear nor was it what she wanted to do. The idea of ​​packing up and leaving the house she had lived in and dreamed of for years (and the man she had loved for years) was absolutely terrifying.

She said, in part, “I can’t believe my husband thinks I’m just going to leave because he wants me to. How is this fair? I have no idea what to do. If I stay, he’s going to make it very clear that he doesn’t want me there and that he might eventually leave me. But if I leave, it seems like I’m giving up on my marriage and that’s definitely not what I want. I don’t want to leave or divorce my husband, but he seems convinced that that’s the path you want to take. What can or should I do?”

This is a unique and complicated situation because I often tell wives whose husband insists on leaving them (and won’t accept any alternative) to let them go. This is not ideal, of course, but often there really is no alternative and at least if you’re the one, you have more control. You can be the one to come home instead of trying to get him to come home (which increases your chances of saving the marriage).

So when there’s no other choice, I usually feel like it’s better to be the one to go than to let him go. Still, this situation was not ideal. And I felt like there were a few things to try before the wife gave up and left. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Try to get as much drama and immediacy out of the situation as you can: At this time, both husband and wife were full of emotion and were reacting very quickly to everything that was going on between them. In situations like these, people tend to make rash decisions and say or do things they regret or are impossible to take back.

So I always feel like it’s important to try and bring some calm to this situation so that you get out of reactive mode and into a mode where you’re proactive and not just reacting to someone else’s whims, words, or actions. So as difficult as it was, he wanted the wife to remain calm and deliberate. As she was now, doors were slammed, tears were shed, accusations were made, and the couple grew further and further apart from each other with each passing hour and day.

So the next time the husband approached him with something hurtful, he didn’t want the wife involved. She wanted her to deflect whatever he was throwing at her and make it clear that her interactions would be different and not going the same way.

She might say something like “yeah, I know how you feel and I know you want me to go away because you’ve been telling me this for days. But I’m not going to react like I have anymore. There’s no need. I know how you feel and You know how I feel. I have no idea if we’re going to come to a compromise or not, but I’m not going to fight you and continue to damage our relationship because it’s still important to me. So I’d rather wait and talk about this. when we’re both calm and we’re not going to hurt each other or the relationship. Can we agree when we could talk about this again at a later time, when we’ve both calmed down?”

This is an attempt to slow things down and create an environment that is more conducive to figuring things out. I felt strongly that the longer the wife continued to bicker or bicker, the greater the chance that one of them would eventually leave the house. But if she can interrupt the sense of urgency and drama, she will often find that the hurtful words and behaviors are greatly reduced, so that she could really make progress and hopefully not have to leave in the first place.

That being said, if you are offered this type of resume and end up staying and not having to leave, you will need to address and improve your marriage so that any issues that lead your husband to want you to leave do not remain so that you will not deal with this again in the future.

If your husband won’t agree to anything less than your leaving, then don’t leave things open. Try setting it up so that he can still communicate (and hopefully improve things) on a regular basis: In some cases, even when you are calm and cooperative, your husband will still insist that you leave. When this happens, sometimes it becomes clear that he is not going to be happy with anything (nor will he accept) but you leave. However, this does not mean that you should pack your bags, walk out the door and hope for the best. My suggestion is that if he has to compromise (and he shouldn’t unless it’s clear he has to), at least he controls the terms.

Agree on the shortest amount of time possible. Suggest going away and staying with friends for the weekend or, if possible, less than a week. Define how often they will call each other to check in. If possible, schedule some time to get together during the brief separation.

Sometimes being apart for a short period of time can actually make things better because you don’t get involved, everyone calms down, and your husband realizes that he misses you. But the ideal is to keep the separation short and keep the communication going by keeping the tone positive rather than negative.