Many wives think that if they can finally get their husband to admit to infidelity, they can finally start the healing process, or at least start moving on. But often, once they finally get that admission, they’re not sure what to do next. I heard of a wife who said, “For a long time, I knew my husband must be cheating on me. All the signs were there and also, I knew in my gut that something was very different and very wrong. But every time I asked my husband about this, he would deny it, sometimes he would get very angry and make me seem crazy or paranoid, it was a horrible moment in my life because I started to wonder if maybe I was just imagining things, one day, I decided that I was not going to take it anymore I told my husband that I wasn’t going to drop the subject until he finally told me the truth. To my surprise, he finally did. Out of the blue, after months of denials, he finally admitted to having an affair, but said that he didn’t tell me because it was over a long time ago. Although I had been rehearsing this moment in my head for months, I wasn’t sure what to do. I just left the room and we haven’t broached the subject since. What do I do now? I finally have a ¿adm vision? Because I’m lost and insecure. I’m disappointed in myself because I feel like I’m not handling this very well.”

The first thing I did was assure this wife that what she was experiencing was absolutely normal. We all think or assume that we will react in a certain way to a situation, but when the situation is staring us in the face, responses elude us and, in a sense, we freeze. It’s like our worst nightmare has suddenly come true. And that’s why there’s absolutely no harm in taking your time getting your bearings, which I’ll discuss below.

Don’t rush or strain. Nothing says you need to make a quick decision: There is a lot to consider in this situation, and usually a lot of information and feelings come to you at the same time. It’s very easy (and understandable) to become overwhelmed by these feelings and want some relief. That’s why it can be tempting to feel like you need to make a quick decision. You really don’t. Nothing needs to change overnight. In fact, I’d say you’re more likely to make a regrettable decision if you make it when you’re in such a mess. Give yourself the luxury of time.

Now sometimes your husband will panic and try to pressure you to forgive him or to share what he might be feeling or considering. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that, right now, you just don’t know. She can tell him that she’ll let him know when and if she has answers, but right now, she’s giving herself time to process what’s going on and where she wants to go from here. You certainly deserve it. And don’t let anyone pressure you to change this process.

Worry more about what you want to happen than what you or others think should happen: For some reason, people seem to feel perfectly justified in giving unsolicited opinions to a wife hurt during infidelity. Your friends, your family, your co-workers, and even your husband or her family can feel totally free to give you their opinion on what you should do. (This is why I often recommend being very careful who you share this information with.) It can be easy to listen to these people who really care about you. But, the thing is, this is your life. it’s not theirs. Try to care more about your own thoughts and feelings because you’re the one who’s going to have to live with the consequences. Live your own truth, not that of others.

Having said that, I have to warn you that your feelings may fluctuate. In a minute, she may want to leave her husband and end their marriage. And the next minute, you may desperately want to figure things out. This is also normal. That is why you should not be in a hurry to make lasting decisions. There is nothing wrong with waiting and observing your husband’s behavior or assessing her feelings and desires as they arise. And, as she discovers that her feelings and desires become more consistent and persuasive, then she can have more confidence that she is making an authentic decision that is not overly influenced by shock and pain.

Reserve the right to reassess as things get better, change or worse – understand opportunities that may not be immediately obvious: It is often very difficult to make decisions until you observe and evaluate. In other words, you don’t know right now if you’re going to go to counseling or if that counseling will work. You cannot predict how much rehabilitation your husband will undergo or if he will be happy with it. He can’t see what her marriage will look and feel like in the future. That’s why it’s perfectly fine to tell yourself that you can make decisions on the fly and receive more information. Your healing is likely to be non-linear. So give yourself a break and don’t feel like you’re not making progress when sometimes you are and it’s not yet obvious. Simply promise yourself to do the things that will bring improvement and relief. And be flexible enough to weed out the things that don’t work. If you don’t like your counselor, give yourself permission to find another or go another way.

I know it may not be obvious right now, but sometimes this is really an opportunity to assess what you want from your life and to move your marriage forward. And sometimes, this creates lasting, positive change that might not have happened otherwise. Make sure to be kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for this. It’s not your fault. But it’s up to you to get what you need to heal. Sometimes that’s not an easy process, but it’s usually worth it in the end. So, to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you precisely what to do if you have an admission, but I can advise you from experience to take things slow and make your own needs as important as those of others. This is often a gradual process that changes and evolves over time. Take it day by day and understand that if you are clear about what you want and need, sometimes you will eventually see some changes that turn out to be really beneficial for you.