I am writing this article “From father to father”. Power struggles with your child will turn parenting into a nightmare if you don’t learn to avoid them.
Power struggles occur when two people want a situation to work their way to the exclusion of the other person’s wishes. To put it another way, it is a situation where each person tries to exert power and control over the other person to get what they want.
For example, you want Jill to go to bed right now, but Jill doesn’t want to. She wants to stay awake and watch TV. But you need him to go to bed now. So you tell Jill again that it’s time to go to bed and Jill becomes more defiant and refuses.
What we have here is the making of a power struggle.
In the normal course of everyday life with children, power struggles are often a win-lose proposition. Usually someone wins because the other person backs down or relinquishes their control over the situation. One person gains power and one person loses power.
If you get into a power struggle with your spouse, a parent-to-parent confrontation, then it comes to a point where one of you must finally give in. The person who gives in and ‘quits’ the power struggle is often the loser. Most of us can sympathize with this situation. But we are adults and we can come back to this later and in many circumstances correct it.
A power struggle between parents and children is much the same, but the consequences can be devastating and far-reaching. You may be able to come back later and try to make things right with your child, but you won’t be able to lessen the damage that has been done.
Let’s look at the example above where the parent wants Jill to go to bed. Jill refuses and decides to escalate the situation. Her refusal will usually lead to a power struggle. Then the father raises his voice and starts issuing demands and eternal consequences if Jill doesn’t go to bed. Jill continues to refuse and starts yelling or screaming.
The game starts!
This situation may continue for a while. Many parents will decide that they are pushing too hard and back off, especially if their child has had a history of being stubborn. As soon as the father relents and allows his son to stay up longer, the father loses. The girl, however, has not only won this battle, but her defiant behavior has been reinforced!
By reinforcing this behavior, the father has ensured the likelihood of another power struggle. The next time, the boy will perk up and ‘up the ante’ even further to secure the advantage and control of her. This child’s negative behavior (defiance and whatever else) has been reinforced as a result of ‘winning’ the power struggle. Reinforced behaviors are likely to continue. Negative behaviors that receive reinforcement are very difficult to extinguish.
This is why parents should avoid power struggles at all costs. An energetic child will often push the parent too far, to the point where the parent backs down or does something regrettable. If the child wins and the parent backs down, the negative behavior will continue. (It’s likely to get worse next time!) If the parent wins, it usually comes at the cost of the child losing respect for the parent because the parent has needed to exercise physical or mental control.
As an ‘experienced’ parent who speaks ‘father to father’, do yourself a favor. Avoid power struggles at all costs! You will always regret a power struggle with your child.