Do you feel empty, hollow inside, or maybe you just don’t have a real emotional response to anything? Knowingly or not, you have emotionally anesthetized yourself. This is a self-administered state of mind as a protection against extreme emotional pain. Just as anesthesia is administered for any medical procedure, the human body is equipped with the ability to soothe pain that is exhausting or excruciating. We shut down emotionally, building protective barriers to keep us safe. There is a general malaise that accompanies this disease and signs that are easily recognizable if you pay attention.

1) A general detachment from other people or situations that involve emotions.
2) Not participating in day-to-day decision-making about things that most couples share an opinion about, usually opting for ‘Do what you think is right’.
3) Shows true interest and affection for innate things like his collections or things he enjoys doing, transferring emotions to things he can control.
4) Partners frequently accuse them of not wanting or being unable to express emotions.
5) They frequently state that they like to be alone.
6) Slow to commit to relationships.
7) Expect little from friends, preferring to be independent.
8) First impressions of others may be harsh, critical, or cynical.
9) Distrustful of the emotions of others.
10) You may have control issues, anger or rage.

The common denominator underlying all of these problems is the inability or unwillingness to fully trust. We withdraw like a wounded animal and tend to attack or simply leave the company of any person or situation that invades our defined space or comfort zone. Those walls are important and worth protecting with pride because they protect us. On the negative side, we live a life that is empty of emotional sharing and devoid of any real joy. It is the compensation for the walls and their protection.

These types of wounds can come from a troubled or abusive childhood, rejections that hurt deeply, and can even simply be the culmination of too many rejections. Painful or repeated attacks on our psyche create deep wounds that alter our perception of the world around us. We become fearful of further pain and distress and choose a method of protection that we know we can trust. We keep emotional involvement at a distance, thus limiting the amount of pain that any one person or situation can cause in the future.

Trusting is difficult after deeply painful events, mainly because we no longer trust ourselves and our own judgment. We wonder if there is something that we lack or that we cannot love in ourselves. After all, didn’t we let this happen? Anger and rage can easily arise from the utter injustice of such pain.

Like any deep wound, you can cover it with a Band-Aid, treat it repeatedly, or learn to live with the pain it causes. When you’re ready to really heal the wound, start by treating the root cause. It requires learning to trust yourself and your own judgment. You can start by making small compromises and following through to your desired outcome, reaching out when you never dared and trusting a friend who has earned it, or even allowing yourself to love someone enough to trust them. The hardest thing you have to do is let go of the pain. He’s been the only thing you could count on and he’s a familiar companion. Worse yet, as one who has been taken hostage, you have joined the offender. Let go.