Yesterday, I had a discussion about empathy with someone close to me who said, “Empathy is most necessary in human communication, but empathy without sympathy has no humanistic value. A scammer may empathize with you, but if he has no morals or feelings of sympathy, he can use that empathy against you.

This got me thinking about empathy. For me, empathy is a process of understanding and feeling towards another person, as well as an internal reaction triggered by a signal from the other person.

On empathy, the Encyclopedia Britannica says:

“”The ability to imagine oneself in the place of another and understand the other’s feelings, desires, ideas and actions. It is a term coined at the beginning of the 20th century, equivalent to the German Einfühlung and based on “sympathy”.

The term empathy is used with special, although not exclusive, reference to the aesthetic experience. The most obvious example, perhaps, is that of the actor or singer who genuinely feels the part that he is playing. With other works of art, a viewer can, by a kind of introjection, feel involved in what he observes or contemplates. The use of empathy is an important part of the counseling technique developed by the American psychologist Carl Rogers.

The practice of empathy, as an analytical method based on analogical thinking, can have its beginning in the first days of the existence of any human being, since babies learn empathy by imitating those who care for them. There is no way to compare, measure, observe, prove or disprove that different people experience the exact emotion identically, but people can deeply identify with each other and this identification can lead to better understanding and emotional intimacy between people.

Empathy is more important in social settings than psychologically. The existence of empathy is a sign of healthy personal identity, self-awareness, self-esteem and, in a positive sense, self-love. When empathy is absent, an antisocial or psychopathic person can more easily exploit and abuse others.

In our time, since most of the social institutions that help develop empathy, such as the nuclear and extended family, the clan, the neighborhood, the village, the church, the temple or the belief system, have deteriorated, narcissistic behavior has begun to take the place of empathy. This is widely reflected in the litigation, lack of tolerance, and violence that is replicated in our popular culture, in the media, movies, video games, in international dealings, etc.

The presence of empathy is the path that leads to sympathy, mercy, piety, charity and the joy of giving; therefore, contributing to a better and more civilized society.

Let’s take a closer look at empathy.

What is the purpose of empathy?

The purposes of empathy are:

To show that you care about the other person.

Foster meaningful, helpful, and close relationships.

To learn more about other people.

Direct communication towards important emotional issues.

Letting the other person know that they are accepted just the way they are, thus encouraging them to open up.

To reduce your irritation with others because you understand them better. If you understand them, you forgive them.

Reduce biases and eradicate negative assumptions, with an emphasis on the word “assumptions.”

Discover, eventually, that everyone is understandable and that everyone’s psyche can be penetrated.

Practicing empathy is hard. Every person learns empathy to some degree as a matter of growing up and living in the world, but how do we actually practice empathy?

How to practice empathy:

I. Listen, listen, listen. The idea is that you really listen first; then you react. Listening is hard work and everyone can get distracted. Even when we get distracted, we need to pick ourselves up and get back on track as best we can.

During Listening, to listen effectively, especially in therapy…

1. One has to stop comparing oneself with the other person. For example, thinking: “I had a harder time than him.” “He is more intelligent than me”. “His spouse is much better than mine.”

2. One should stop recalling one’s own experiences on the same subject while the other person is speaking.

3. Verbal give-and-take should not be viewed as an intellectual debate with the aim of putting the other person down.

4. One should not think that he knows everything, so he does not need to listen to the other person.

5. One should not laugh at what the other says or try to change the subject before it gets too serious.

6. One must stop placating the other person by saying, “You’re right.” “I agree.” “He did that to you! Really! What an idiot!” etc.

7. One has to stop trying to read the other person’s mind. For example, “He insists that he loves his wife. That may subconsciously mean that he doesn’t.” “He’s looking out the window when he says he didn’t do it.” “He may think I’m stupid if I tell him that…”

8. You have to stop thinking about your next step or your answer before the other person is done talking. For example, “How will I react to this one when I have to answer him? If I smile or nod my head, he may consider that I condone his crime.”

9. One has to stop filtering what the other person is saying to focus on hearing only specific issues or meaningful comments.

10. A statement by the other person should not be judged to be crazy, extreme, juvenile, boring or aggressive.

II. Let the other person feel that they are being heard. No one is perfect at this, but we can get better over time if we work at it.

1. One way to do this is to mirror the other person’s feelings. “This really hurts you.” “You feel left out.” “You feel unimportant.” Focusing on the other person’s feelings encourages you to talk about those feelings and explore those feelings virtually on your own.

2. Asking too many questions, giving critical answers or giving premature advice or reassuring them before the other person finishes their words is counterproductive. It takes away the other person’s ability to solve their problem on their own by talking it out. Telling your own story or experience isn’t so bad if you don’t forget the other person’s concern, pain, or problem.

3. One of the most common reasons for misunderstandings is our emotional reaction to what the other person says. If the person says something that triggers an emotion (such as anger, insecurity, hurt, insult to our beliefs, etc.) that is not related to the person speaking but related to the listener, the listener may be distracted and therefore you can miscalculate. the other person’s problem.

4. A correct answer encompasses the essence of the other person’s feelings. This may sound like the listener is mimicking the speaker, but it’s an effective way to let the person know you’re interested and listening, eg, “You feel hurt,” “You’re overwhelmed.” If we don’t show any reaction or comment while the other person is talking, they may take it as disinterest or disapproval or think we don’t understand them.

5. While the other person is speaking, it is possible for an empath to guess what the other person is feeling beforehand and provide additional insight. At that point, at an opportune moment in the conversation, an interpretation more or less in the form of a question can help the speaker to understand himself. For example, “Is your mother acting this way because she can’t stand losing you?” or “I wonder if her wife wanted to help him when she said that to her boss.”

Empathy, in general, is an important asset; however, introspection and empathy alone cannot create a perfect society. The best societies are made from the feelings and actions that arise as a result of empathy. For that purpose, empathy becomes the key that unlocks positive human interaction.