I often hear from people who have broken up who intuitively know to back off a bit during the breakup. Many understand that putting their attention on themselves and their own well-being could bring some relief and help the situation. But, in real life, they just don’t know how to do this. It is often more difficult to do this than to think about it.

I’ve heard someone say, “My husband left me about six weeks ago. He says this is just a trial separation and he has no immediate plans to get a divorce. However, he’s not very approachable or receptive to me.” right now. If I want to talk to him, it’s always me who has to call. He never calls me. If she didn’t take the initiative, she would probably never talk to him or see him. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being a bother to him. I feel like I shouldn’t bother him so much. A lot of my friends say that right now, I just need to take care of myself and stop worrying about him so much. I know this is good advice. But I don’t know how to start. The other day, I thought he might write in a journal and every word was about my husband. I ended up crying and had to stop. Everything comes back to him. no matter what he does. How do I focus on myself when thoughts of me always bring me back to him? I will deal with this in the next article.

I understand this very intimately. My situation was similar. I became so focused on my husband that eventually he was trying to avoid me. He knew that he was making a lot of mistakes and that I was getting too strong, but he couldn’t seem to stop me. I knew that calling, texting, or coming over again would only upset my husband. And yet I picked up the phone or got in my car anyway. I knew it was a destructive pattern and cycle. And yet he couldn’t stop it.

Eventually, I had to get away from my husband’s presence to stop this. In fact, I went to visit my family so that we would not be in the same city. That was one way I knew I wasn’t going to go through with what I knew was hurting my situation. I gave my cell phone to my mom and asked her to put it away. These things were very foolhardy, but they became necessary. And looking back, I don’t think I would have had to take it this far if I had done small, relatively easy ways to stop myself from this cycle. I’m going to offer some suggestions that will hopefully help you do this below.

Establish positive outings and encounters that you don’t want or can’t try to cancel: I think it’s very important to get out of the house when you’re going through this. I know a lot of people will take out the old photos, put on the old pajamas and play the old songs. And this may be fine and necessary for a day or two. But you don’t want to isolate yourself this way. Here are some examples to get you thinking about what might work in your own situation. Find a good friend or family member and make some regular plans for someone to count on you and not let you excuse yourself. Tell your neighbor that the two of you will go for a walk every day after work. Plan to volunteer a few times a week and know that you don’t want to let others down by not showing up. Pay for some personal training knowing you’ll be going so you don’t waste your money. Enroll in a class that requires your attendance. In short, do whatever you need to do to have permanent plans that get you out of the house and focused on positive people and worthwhile goals that have nothing to do with your spouse or your marriage, but have everything to do with. watch. with you.

Find a way to improve yourself just because: A good way to focus on yourself is to fight for your own self-improvement. I know many people will choose to go into counseling or focus on self-help while they are apart and I think this can be a great idea as long as the focus is not solely on your marriage. People will go to individual counseling and not focus on themselves. That defeats the whole purpose. Yes, improving yourself through self-help or counseling can ultimately help your marriage. But that shouldn’t be your goal when you’re trying to focus on yourself. Its goal is to allow you to assess what you want and how to flourish right now. You want to take a look at what works for you and look for more of it. And I want to define what hurts you and do less of it.

I know from experience that it is very easy to get into the habit of dwelling or getting stuck. And you probably know that this hurts you and you know that this is not helping your marriage. But you can’t stop. The key to stopping is to have small successes one day at a time. Hold yourself accountable. Make it very difficult for you to continue as you are. This could mean giving someone your cell phone to keep, or making appointments or commitments every night to get out of the house. Be kind to yourself right now. Give yourself what you need to feel better. It doesn’t help to feel sad and focus on what’s wrong when there’s still so much that can feel right. Remember that you are worth the effort.