Frankly, some wives are surprised to find out that they still have a marriage after their husband’s affair. Many assume that by the time they find out about any infidelity, they are out of wedlock. But oh so often, it’s just not that simple. Sometimes the husband just doesn’t bow gracefully. Or maybe it’s hard to look at your children and consider that you left their father without even thinking about saving the marriage. Perhaps you tell yourself that you will leave in the next few days. And yet you never do.

Whatever the reason, many wives are still married after the affair. I need to be clear here. I understand that you stay. I did it myself. And I’m not here to judge. But sometimes when you stay, you’re still disappointed. You find yourself in a marriage in trouble, full of resentments and disappointments, and you wonder if this will be your destiny for the rest of your days. Or maybe you think you just need to pull the plug on your marriage if this is all you have to wait for.

Someone might explain, “Honestly, I don’t even acknowledge my marriage today. I’m not happy with it. Not at all. It’s like an old-fashioned marriage, where the couple argues and secretly hates each other. It’s the kind of marriage I swore I would never do.” I would have done. It all went to hell after my husband’s affair. I actually packed my stuff, loaded the kids and stayed with my sister for a while. But the kids were whining and homesick, my husband was calling. every night and begging me to come home, and my job was not so understanding of all the free time.So I came back reluctantly, but I told my husband that it might just be temporary.He said he would take whatever I wanted. I couldn’t get. We went to counseling, but I didn’t care about the counselor. I started to dread going. So we finally stopped. Now I have a marriage that barely holds up. My husband walks on eggshells around me. Why am I so angry all the time? time. We never we have fun Our children are shy about everything. I am not happy with this marriage. But I’m not sure if I would be happier divorced.”

I hear from many people who express the same sentiment. You are not alone. And you are not feeling anything that is not understandable. I’m going to make a suggestion and I hope you’ll listen to me. Many times, I considered calling it a day when it came to my marriage. I even took a break for a while. But now I can say that I’m glad I stayed, but only because I got serious about getting the marriage I finally wanted.

People think I’m crazy when I say that a marriage crisis can be an opportunity. I’m not saying it feels great at the time. But I’m saying that it gives you a chance to rebuild and scrap what never worked and keep what did. It gives you the opportunity to learn new skills, break those habits that are destructive, and adopt new ones that are good.

It’s one of those rare moments when you get a chance to ask for, or even demand, what you want. You may feel like you have to settle for less, but I don’t think this is necessarily true. I know it’s frustrating when you do the right thing (get counseling or try to talk) and then get frustrated about the process. I tried some counseling and self-help until I found some things that worked for me. It’s okay. Everything will not work all the time. Some things will fit and some will not. Give yourself permission to stop what doesn’t work and embrace and lean on what does work.

There is no path that is right or wrong for everyone. But, I would suggest that before you decide to throw in the towel where you know you may be just as unhappy, try counseling or other resources one more time and be honest with her husband about what isn’t working for you. Since she describes it as walking on eggshells, she can be highly motivated to do whatever it takes to make things better.