It is possible to dissolve your marriage to your ex-spouse, but it is not possible, and will never be possible, to dissolve your joint parenting relationship. She will always be the mother of your child. He will always be the father of your daughter. You thought you were free, free, free at last, but the bond with your child’s other parent can never be undone.
Here are some inescapable truths that it would be nice to accept sooner rather than later:.
1. You may be happy that you don’t have to deal with your ex-spouse every day, but your children may still have regular interactions that will affect them.
As long as they were still married and living in the same house, they still kept an eye on each other. If his wife did something to upset the children, you were there to step in and defuse the situation. If she let them watch inappropriate movies, kept them up too late, or let them go to school dressed inappropriately, you still had influence. Once he divorces her, her children are alone when they spend time with her. You have no control over who he presents them to, or even who he leaves them with. She has the right to ask her alcoholic mother or a neighbor she barely knows to take care of her.
2. You have to be much more careful in your relationship with an ex-spouse than with a spouse.
Let’s say you and your ex-spouse split time with the kids 50-50. With the approval of a judge, a custody schedule is established. Now let’s say your parents are coming to town and the only time they can come is on your husband’s weekend. If you haven’t built a good relationship with him, why should you be flexible and switch weekends so the kids can see their grandparents?
The irony is that to have any attraction, you have to be kinder, more sensitive, and a better communicator than you were when you were married. You have to show more concern and listen more deeply. Skills like active listening will help keep the lines of communication open. The more your ex-spouse feels that you really care about his happiness, the more open he will be to your suggestions and requests.
3. Your life will be better when your ex-spouse’s life is better.
As much as you fantasize about your ex-wife’s life falling apart (I used to dream about pouring sugar in my ex’s gas tank), remember, that’s 50% like wishing your kids’ lives would fall apart too. of the life. hour. Do you want your children to be happy. You want your life to be stable. That her ex-spouse has a job that satisfies her, that she pays well, that she has benefits, all of that will make her life easier. As much as she may take some secret satisfaction from seeing her inconvenienced by, say, her broken-down car, it will be her children who will be standing in front of the school waiting to be picked up. And even if that’s not the case, you want the parents of your children to be as relaxed and happy as possible so that they have the resources of calm and patience necessary for good parenting.
4. Nothing in your relationship is about you being right or wrong, about things being fair or unfair anymore: the only metric you’ll care about is whether or not it’s good for the kids.
While you are still in the marriage, it is important to do everything possible to strengthen the relationship because a strong marriage supports children’s development. However, once you are divorced, the first filter through which you evaluate any decision will be the effect on the children. That is not easy! It can be difficult to see what will be best for your children in the future. When her ex-husband remarries, for example, she may be devastated that another woman will style her daughter’s hair, read her a bedtime story, and tuck her into bed. That’s your job! How could it be good for your girl that you’re not doing that for her? But a good stepmom can give you a lot: love, advice, structure, support, a different perspective. She can even help her ex-husband be a better parent.
5. Children can accept many changes as long as they believe that both parents believe the change is for the better. Your job is to make your children believe that you support your ex-spouse.
As heartbroken as you are about your ex remarrying, make it your job to speak highly of your daughter’s stepmother and be emotional for your daughter about her role in the wedding. Never burden your daughter with your doubts and fears for her. Instead, assure her that her stepmother will love her and do what’s best for her. From time to time, things can happen that are quite different from the way she might handle them. Just tell her daughter that her stepmother is smart and has lots of good ideas. Let’s give this one a try. (Unless she really is an evil person, in the grand scheme of things, everything will work out for the best.)
6. Even when the children turn 18 and the legal custody schedule expires, you will still have to deal with the other parent of your children.
A divorced father used to say, “Wait until high school graduation. Then we won’t have to play this game anymore.” Wrong. so wrong. Once the child is released from a custody schedule, he has to decide for himself how much time he will spend at mom’s house and how much at dad’s. What was a court ruling becomes a matter of convenience or a popularity contest. Young adults remain essentially self-centered creatures. They will gravitate to whichever house is easier. Maybe dad’s house is easier because it’s in the town where most of his friends are. Maybe mom’s house is easier because he can retreat to the basement and watch the big screen TV and basically be left alone in his own cave. Plus, the lack of a clear custody schedule makes it much easier for one parent to manipulate the kids, whether it’s guilt or outright theft of cars or iPhones or whatever’s hot.
7. Even when the children become adults and move away, you will still have to deal with the other parent of your children.
Don’t want to be on hand for your son’s wedding? Don’t want to walk your daughter down the aisle? Toast to the happy couple? Being at the birth of her first grandchild? On the grandson’s first birthday? You can see the list goes on. Once again, the irony of her post-divorce life is that she wants to have the best possible relationship with her child’s other parent. You might want to wish her to Hades, but if her ex-spouse isn’t in the picture, there will be a huge hole in her son’s heart that you won’t be able to fill. In everyday life, your son may not miss his other parent, but when he gets that award or a big promotion, aside from her, he’ll be thinking, “Look, Dad, what I did! Wouldn’t you be proud of me?” my?”
Your ex-spouse never has to become a good friend, but you should aim for someone you feel good about. He should strive to be generally interested in how you are doing and what is happening in your life. You should at least be warmly cordial. Think about how you would like to be treated by his son’s in-laws. You don’t have to go out for drinks together, but you do need to strike up a nice conversation at the 4th of July barbecue.
The bottom line here is that, like diplomacy between nations, the more you find yourself in natural opposition, the more important it is to work toward detente. Not only is it the safest way to protect your children, but it will increase your own sense of security and well-being.