I think it’s fair to say that I hear from many wives who are trying to deal with the fact that their husband recently left them. Some are surprised by this turn of events and some are not. Some are confused as to why her husband left and others have been given very specific reasoning. Some even receive a note that fully outlines all the perceived shortcomings that caused the husband to leave. A very common theme in these notes is not showing enough affection to the husband or paying enough attention to him.
A common scenario is one like, “I felt like my husband was going to leave me for a long time. So I wasn’t surprised when he finally did. Our fights usually center around one main issue: he feels he loves.” more than i love him. He feels that I don’t just want to show affection naturally and he feels that he has to beg for my attention. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I want to make my husband happy and content. On the other hand, I’m a little resentful because it’s like he’s a kid keeping score. We are both busy adults and yet he gives me the impression that I need to constantly check on him how he is feeling and how he is doing. – almost like a pet. He almost feels like he needs maintenance. Sometimes I think he’s only going to be happy with a woman who’s all over him and can’t do enough for him. He wants someone who he is just going to constantly go out of his way to tell him how good he is. Great. I’m lovin ‘it. But I don’t feel the need to act like we’re teenagers who constantly have to fawn over each other to show our love. To me, this smacks of desperation and immaturity and I have a hard time respecting it. I feel that he is so needy that it is a well that can never be filled and that is exhausting. At the same time, I love him and I don’t want to end our marriage. But how can we find the common ground where he feels he gets enough affection and I don’t feel like I have to work so hard all the time without making him happy?”
This is a common situation that can be fixed: This situation is very common when you have two different personalities. Sometimes you come across couples in which one of them is very demonstrative and has no problem showing affection. Often this spouse is also very fond of affection and is very comfortable both giving and receiving it. And you can have the other spouse on the other end of the spectrum: They usually know that he loves and appreciates them without being reminded all the time. When these two marry, the demonstrative spouse may feel that he is not getting enough, while the more reserved spouse may feel that no matter how much affection they give, it will never be enough.
If this conflict is not properly addressed and resolved, it can escalate to the point where one spouse feels it will never be rectified and could leave as a result. I don’t think for a second that this means the couple can’t work out the problem and eventually become more compatible. The key is to talk very openly and honestly about expectations and commitments.
Be very specific in finding a compromise: When the husband says he doesn’t feel like she “shows enough affection,” that’s an extremely broad statement. Does he mean they’re not having enough sex? Does he mean that she doesn’t hug him, hold her hand, or give him enough verbal affirmation? Does it mean that he just doesn’t feel loved in general? Does it mean that he needs her to show more appreciation for the things he makes of her? Showing affection means different things to different people. As silly as it sounds, sometimes you have to be very specific with this. You need to break it down to find out what exactly it means and what exactly makes you so unhappy.
Because the wife could already be trying to do what she thinks is loving, be sorely wrong, and still have a husband who feels unloved. So the result is that he feels dissatisfied and she feels that no matter what he does or how often he does it, it will never be enough. That’s why she really helps break it down. Having a counselor to facilitate this can be very helpful, but I know that not all spouses will agree to this.
If not then I would suggest giving it a couple of days and then reaching out. You can try something like, “It goes without saying that I’m very upset that you left. But I’m not surprised. This is a problem that has been troubling our marriage for a long time. I want to solve this problem, too.” “I think if we work together the right way, we can fix this. But living apart is almost ensuring that we can’t fix it. Because I’m not sure how I can give you more love when you do.” You’re not even here. If you were trying to get my attention, you did it and I want to get this right. But I’m not sure you’re going to do it. Would you be willing to see someone to help you? Us to determine how to give both of us what we want? If not, then we have to sit down and be very specific about what we both need and can comfortably give.”
It is very difficult to predict how the husband might respond. He may be willing to be very detailed about what she needs without much intervention, or he may make a little effort to get it out of her. At the same time, once you determine what he needs, you’ll also want to define what you can comfortably and genuinely give without feeling like you’re filling something bottomless. Usually there is a compromise here somewhere. You just have to find it.